Here we go...

Okay readers, it's time to start new...

I have been so distraught over everything and am so tired of having my heartbroken. So I have decided. It's time to make some changes. The first thing is my car...I have decided that enough is enough. I have put so much money into it. When I bought the car, I had every intent of it being a "mommy mobile". I planned on packing my kids in it, driving them to daycare and then taking it camping. Low and behold, here I am 7 years later, there's no ring on my finger, no kids in the womb and the car's in the shop. I took it out of the shop a week ago and a week later I return it to the shop. I have invested more money in it then it is worth...
So tomorrow, I'm car shopping. I have an idea of what I want and I am SO excited. Because it's now about me and what I want. I don't see a hubby or kids in my future, so I'm doing it.
It's time to make changes in the way I feel. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of trying to please people. Especially one specific person. I'm in a lose, lose situation with him and I just wonder, what part of me wasn't enough???

Thank you, Tree Hill.....

One of my all time favorite shows use to be "One Tree Hill". If you have no clue what I'm talking about, it's a simple show on WB that once revolved around the life of high schools, Lucas, Peyton, Brooke, Nathan, Haley, Skills and Mouth. I found my Monday nights rushing home to watch this show, mainly because my high school was nothing like Tree Hill High and I loved the drama that the show portrayed. Although, I am now not nearly a fan as I once was. As I grew up, so did the Tree Hill clan. Come later years when Lucas loves Peyton, Peyton can't marry Lucas, Lucas loves Lindsey, now Peyton wants Lucas, Lucas wants them both, see what I mean??
This past weekend I was recalling an episode that for some reason is always in my mind. It's an episode where Peyton realizes that Lucas isn't going to leave Lindsey for her and so she realizes she has to let him go. She finds Lucas and she tells him, "The most perfect act of love is sacrifice.....I love you Lucas and have since the first moment we locked eyes and it's gonna suck, but if what you want is for me to let go, then I'm gonna do it. Be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart"
Thank you One Tree Hill and Peyton Sawyer for your words of truth.
It sucks having to let him go and letting him be happy with someone else. And although we're not going to have the dramatic moment of him leaving her for me, like Lucas did for Peyton, yes, they end up together, I know that he's happy and that I'll never be able to share it with him sucks, but I'm willing to let my emotions go and let him go so that he can be happy.
I loved him in high school, how ironic, and now we're adults and there isn't a chance it'll happen. I have to let him go, because I love him and well, the most perfect act of love, is sacrifice...

It's a Beautiful day in the neighborhood....

a beautiful day in the neighborhood, could you be mine, would you be mine, won't you be my neighbor?

This theme song reminds me of a simple time. A time where my Saturday's consisted of sleeping in, Captain Crunch cereal, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and Captain Kangaroo. My summer full of family vacations and making mud pies. A time when my brother and I would lay in bed and read for hours.
I've been reflecting a lot on my childhood, maybe it's because I'm a Children's Pastor or because I am remembering how young I was and had so many ambitions in life and thought the world of everyone I met.
But I'm not a child anymore and I have been so disappointed in people. I do my best to think the most of everyone, but there are times now as an adult that the wool has got to come off and I have to see people for who they really are. People are going to disappoint each other, but at what point can we just "grow up" and move past it all??
We're not kids anymore, we're not in high school anymore. We're adults. It's time to mature and stop hurting each other and degrading each other to make ourselves feel better. What's done is done. No going back. The past can't be rewritten, you get the life you're given, some pages turned, some bridges burned, lessons learned. (Thank you, Carrie Underwood) So readers, it is time to take my own advice.....

Ever get that feeling???

That you made a choice you shouldn't have made??? That the decision you thought was right, in actuality was wrong??

That's what I'm feeling readers. I am at a crossroads in my life and it's awful. I am so beyond confused that it's crazy...

I do believe in God..with my whole heart and I know that He will guid me...but I'm suffering and I can't help but think that He would want better for me...

So as of now, I will stay where He has me...and I will go wherever He sends me....

Toss up a prayer for me :)

To you...Mr. High School..10 years later...

There is much behind the story---in a nutshell, I wanted to commit, he couldn't....so this was my e-mail to him.....

I want to go broke driving to see you. I want to miss you so much that it hurts. I want to rearrange my life with you. We'd be good together. You're organized. I'm cluttered. You're analytical, I'm spontaneous. You're honest, I'm whiny... But I'm willing to try and you're not and I am not going to change you or ask you to do something you don't want to do. I know we both have a stack of crap that is HUGE and the best thing to do is be friends. But I'm done. I can't. You want your space and I want you. This changes everything, I know and I'm sure tomorrow I'll regret sending this and wish I could hack into your computer and delete it, but it's what I feel now. If I can't be with you, I can't sit by and watch you with someone else and pretend to be happy for you. You bring out the best in me and I thank you for that. I wish things were different but they can't be because you're not ready. Don't respond, there's no need. Let me let you go. I don't regret the timing of our connecting, I'm just sorry we both are so screwed up that it can't work. You are an awesome guy! You took care of a complete stranger. You made me laugh when I felt I couldn't. You're a good man with a good heart. Timing just sucks. I wish you the best and who knows, maybe in 10 years, you can come to my 38th and toss a few back ;) have a great week. Thanks for your friendship. You rock! Best of luck--me

Forgive me readers..it's been two months since my last blog...

In the last two months, I've cried four times, had my heart broken (again) and I turned 28. Unreal I know..I'm so young ;)

Yesterday morning, I was chatting it up with my roomate and we were talking about our lives in the past year. It's amazing how life can change in 365 days..I never thought that I would still be single, or that my roommate would be pregnant...I never guessed that after 10 years, my high school crush would come back into my life and break my heart, within 2 days...I guess you just never know where life is going to take you. It's an adventure, right?? To be enjoyed..despite the ups and downs. The heartache and heartbreak..the getting older and finding wrinkles in places you don't want them..it's all adventure. Take it as one and enjoy every moment...I don't regret anything, because every choice has made me who I am.

We're not promised tomorrow

Life can throw such curve balls. When I answered the phone tonight, I had no idea that it would be to hear that my grandpa Homer died. Granted he wasn't blood, but he treated me like it. He was one of those annoying papas that you are embarrassed when he comes around because he is so loud and yet you love him at the same time. Ironically, the last time that I saw him was at a funeral a week ago Friday. He wanted me to go to lunch with him and I was in such a hurry that I told him next time we'll go and it's my treat.Now, there is no next time. I should have gone to lunch. He always made me laugh and I really did have a good time. He teased me because I've never had a ring on my hand and "a pretty girl like you should be married and all with babies". He would have been 80 on the 16th. We were planning a party. How did this happen??? where did the time go??? why didn't I do lunch??? Tonight it hit me when I arrived at the hospital and my grandma Loitta sat next to me and said, "He sure loved you" then I saw Brad come out and he had the bag of clothes that my pops was wearing. I can't take the time back, I know..I just haven't been able to talk to anyone with family/church family all around. Took the initiative and got dinner for them and suddenly took on a "Mommy role" that it wasn't until I got home that I realized how I felt...I just had to vent. Guess I need to blog ;)

thanks for lending your eyes readers and know this..

we're not promised tomorrow...today may be too long...say what you want now, in this moment at this time...go to lunch...enjoy the teasing...laugh at yourself...laugh at life...it can only get better...

May showers...

Not only does the month of May bring rain showers, but it has also bring baby showers, bridal showers and Bachelorette parties. Although by the latter, I mean the ABC train wreck that I can't seem to tear myself away from. It's the new season of the Bachelorette and I am oober excited. Mainly because it's a "girls night" and we jabber away as we choose the one we think is best for the Bachelorette. This season, it's Ali, who was on ABC's other train wreck, The Bachelor and Ms Ali chose her career over the handsome Jake, which I must say was wise. I'll save my Jake bashing for another blog!

So as the premier approaches, if you so happen to miss the Bachelorette, no worries readers, I will do my best to keep you updated on the wise, or not so wise, choices that our little miss chooses to make!!

Happy May!!!

My blessing!

Thank you to that reader who sent me a letter in the mail today!

You have made me smile SO much and I thank you!!! ;)

I'm talking to you reader, don't you settle for less than what God has! He has something great in store for you!! What ever you are going through and the clarity that needs to be seen, is on it's way! Just hang on to the promise that He's given you!! It won't be easy, but it will be worth it!!!

It's been a while!!

Hello readers in the world...

Well, so much has happened since my last blog...I saw Joe, I didn't cry. Shocking, I know...

It actually came out of the blue. We were at an event that I was pretty sure his family would be there, not him. Anyway, let me set the scene.

I was standing in the front of the Hotel Hall and talking with people, just chatting them up like I usually do and all of the sudden, I feel this hand on my back! It was Joe's mom. "We've been looking for you" EECK!!!!! I literally froze...then I look over her shoulder and there he his. All 6'3'', of him. I looked at him and it was over. I felt NOTHING! Absoulutely nothing. I couldn't believe it. I'm sure I looked incredibly awkward in that moment, just staring, but I had to know for sure that I felt nothing. Then he hugged me....NOTHING!!! That's right readers, NOTHING!!!! I AM OVER HIM!!!!!! ~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_ That's my virtual happy dance!

I am SO releived that there is nothing left in my heart for Joe. I feel AMAZING!!!!! It's like a peice of me has been put bck together...it's a great feeling by the way..

Does this mean that my heartache is over?? YES!!! Because I am not letting myself fall for a guy as hard as I did for Joe. I have a plethra of post-it notes around my office with some of my favorite scriptures. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on me again, man!!! ;)

It's a new day readers. No, scratch that. It's a NEW LIFE!!!!

Acquaintance

Why is it when I needed that person the most, they weren't there? Not even a "Hey I'm busy can we talk later?" NOTHING?? What is it with people??? I think of them as friends, maybe it should be "acquaintance". A FRIEND is there when you need them, an ACQUAINTANCE is there when it's convenient for them. Yep, you are now an ACQUAINTANCE.

Past is past....

Well readers, I didn't make it to the dinner and as far as I know he didn't show. Mine however, was because I had bronchitis!! That cough, apparently was more than I thought!

I did find out that Joe is now dating. We'll call her Maggie. It's a girl from his church who I always knew there was feelings and I don't know why I was so "BLIND" to it. They took a trip to a CA theme park, with another couple and boy did my imagination play games with my feelings.

How do i know all this? Because I am friends with Maggie's sister on a social networking site. She and I have been friends before any of this happen and it's hard not to want to delete her as a friend so I don't have to hear what she says about Joe and Maggie.

But I have to let go. The Past is past and I have to live with that. There is a HUGE road that lies ahead and I have to stay focused.

Joe was a bump in the road. I have to wish him well and let go.

Boys. So complicated. So gorgeous. Such a gift from God :)

Till tomorrow

Tonight may be the night!

Okay readers,

So tonight may be the night that I see Joe. I am to attend an event where he just may very well show....
Nervous? YES! I actually was concerned with what to wear tonight! As if it matters! Maybe it does, just to show him what he's been missing :)
Excited? Hardly! I have been thinking of excuses not to go. This cold that I have, just may make me bed ridden, for tonight anyway!

I don't have control over this situation and that in itself is hard to grasp! I am a FIRM believer in God and I know that He already has tonight planned and I have to be faithful and wait it out.

Any chance that Joe won't show? Most definitely! I have attended this EXACT event for 10+ years and have NEVER seen him at one. Could tonight be the night that Joe shows? With my luck, yes!

I will continue with my work day and try to keep my mind occupied with other things, but deep in the back of the cobwebs of my brain, there lays Joe and his adorable baby blues.....

On with my day, only for night to peek around soon

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...

and I'm feeling good! :)

I'm feeling better health wise and I'm feeling better getting over Joe.

It was a productive day at work, met up with family for dinner and shared ice cream with my best friend.

I may be single but I have a pretty good life.....

The Beginning

It's an unreal feeling when you discover that you are the one holding yourself back...

I am a living example of this....

October 31, 2009, I had my "holding" moment. But to know the moment, you have to know the story.

I'll call him Joe. He was tall, handsome, loved Jesus, talented, loved his family. Joe was absolutely EVERYTHING that I wanted. I found him. My dream man come true. Now all I had to do was just wait for him to come to me. Our paths crossed at different events, our families would meet, there were so many occasions. Each time I knew that God was bringing us closer together for His plan.
It was working SO well, yet I felt that I was still alone in my feelings and having to make the effort to be with him. How could this be God? How could Joe not feel the same way? Why would you have us in the same places if not to be together?
I found myself wanting to force God to make Joe & I happen. For almost two years I desired him. Then I fell in love with him, complete, surrender myself, have his kids, follow him to the end of the earth, in love with him. No other man compared to Joe. He was it. Joe was just what I needed. Or so I thought......

Come October 31, 2009. Almost eight months to the day that I knew I loved Joe.
I had a dream.
I was standing in a room. In my left hand, I was gripping tight to Joe. My right hand was pushing back this faceless man. I heard the Lord whisper to me, "You have to let Joe go. He's not the one I have for you. You have to trust me. Let him go."
I woke up the next morning and I wrote a letter to Joe explaining everything, including the dream. I drove to his house and gave it to him that night. Knowing that it would most likely be the last time that I would see his face. Letting go was not easy, but it was necessary.
It has been almost two months since the dream. And the wound is still there. It is a scab that pours blood when someone asks, "How is it a girl like you isn't married"

The realization that I was holding myself back from any man loving me, was a hard pill to swallow. Knowing that Joe would never return the love, was a slap in the face. But I have moved on. Everyday it gets a little better. But the thoughts of Joe are still there and they won't go away overnight. After all, they didn't develop overnight.


This blog will simply be random days. A place to post my feelings. My modern day diary that will be open to the world. I'm OK with that. Maybe someone will learn from my naive, senseless heart. It's healing, but there are some days when this girl just needs to blog.