The Beginning

It's an unreal feeling when you discover that you are the one holding yourself back...

I am a living example of this....

October 31, 2009, I had my "holding" moment. But to know the moment, you have to know the story.

I'll call him Joe. He was tall, handsome, loved Jesus, talented, loved his family. Joe was absolutely EVERYTHING that I wanted. I found him. My dream man come true. Now all I had to do was just wait for him to come to me. Our paths crossed at different events, our families would meet, there were so many occasions. Each time I knew that God was bringing us closer together for His plan.
It was working SO well, yet I felt that I was still alone in my feelings and having to make the effort to be with him. How could this be God? How could Joe not feel the same way? Why would you have us in the same places if not to be together?
I found myself wanting to force God to make Joe & I happen. For almost two years I desired him. Then I fell in love with him, complete, surrender myself, have his kids, follow him to the end of the earth, in love with him. No other man compared to Joe. He was it. Joe was just what I needed. Or so I thought......

Come October 31, 2009. Almost eight months to the day that I knew I loved Joe.
I had a dream.
I was standing in a room. In my left hand, I was gripping tight to Joe. My right hand was pushing back this faceless man. I heard the Lord whisper to me, "You have to let Joe go. He's not the one I have for you. You have to trust me. Let him go."
I woke up the next morning and I wrote a letter to Joe explaining everything, including the dream. I drove to his house and gave it to him that night. Knowing that it would most likely be the last time that I would see his face. Letting go was not easy, but it was necessary.
It has been almost two months since the dream. And the wound is still there. It is a scab that pours blood when someone asks, "How is it a girl like you isn't married"

The realization that I was holding myself back from any man loving me, was a hard pill to swallow. Knowing that Joe would never return the love, was a slap in the face. But I have moved on. Everyday it gets a little better. But the thoughts of Joe are still there and they won't go away overnight. After all, they didn't develop overnight.


This blog will simply be random days. A place to post my feelings. My modern day diary that will be open to the world. I'm OK with that. Maybe someone will learn from my naive, senseless heart. It's healing, but there are some days when this girl just needs to blog.