Acquaintance

Why is it when I needed that person the most, they weren't there? Not even a "Hey I'm busy can we talk later?" NOTHING?? What is it with people??? I think of them as friends, maybe it should be "acquaintance". A FRIEND is there when you need them, an ACQUAINTANCE is there when it's convenient for them. Yep, you are now an ACQUAINTANCE.

Past is past....

Well readers, I didn't make it to the dinner and as far as I know he didn't show. Mine however, was because I had bronchitis!! That cough, apparently was more than I thought!

I did find out that Joe is now dating. We'll call her Maggie. It's a girl from his church who I always knew there was feelings and I don't know why I was so "BLIND" to it. They took a trip to a CA theme park, with another couple and boy did my imagination play games with my feelings.

How do i know all this? Because I am friends with Maggie's sister on a social networking site. She and I have been friends before any of this happen and it's hard not to want to delete her as a friend so I don't have to hear what she says about Joe and Maggie.

But I have to let go. The Past is past and I have to live with that. There is a HUGE road that lies ahead and I have to stay focused.

Joe was a bump in the road. I have to wish him well and let go.

Boys. So complicated. So gorgeous. Such a gift from God :)

Till tomorrow

Tonight may be the night!

Okay readers,

So tonight may be the night that I see Joe. I am to attend an event where he just may very well show....
Nervous? YES! I actually was concerned with what to wear tonight! As if it matters! Maybe it does, just to show him what he's been missing :)
Excited? Hardly! I have been thinking of excuses not to go. This cold that I have, just may make me bed ridden, for tonight anyway!

I don't have control over this situation and that in itself is hard to grasp! I am a FIRM believer in God and I know that He already has tonight planned and I have to be faithful and wait it out.

Any chance that Joe won't show? Most definitely! I have attended this EXACT event for 10+ years and have NEVER seen him at one. Could tonight be the night that Joe shows? With my luck, yes!

I will continue with my work day and try to keep my mind occupied with other things, but deep in the back of the cobwebs of my brain, there lays Joe and his adorable baby blues.....

On with my day, only for night to peek around soon

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...

and I'm feeling good! :)

I'm feeling better health wise and I'm feeling better getting over Joe.

It was a productive day at work, met up with family for dinner and shared ice cream with my best friend.

I may be single but I have a pretty good life.....

The Beginning

It's an unreal feeling when you discover that you are the one holding yourself back...

I am a living example of this....

October 31, 2009, I had my "holding" moment. But to know the moment, you have to know the story.

I'll call him Joe. He was tall, handsome, loved Jesus, talented, loved his family. Joe was absolutely EVERYTHING that I wanted. I found him. My dream man come true. Now all I had to do was just wait for him to come to me. Our paths crossed at different events, our families would meet, there were so many occasions. Each time I knew that God was bringing us closer together for His plan.
It was working SO well, yet I felt that I was still alone in my feelings and having to make the effort to be with him. How could this be God? How could Joe not feel the same way? Why would you have us in the same places if not to be together?
I found myself wanting to force God to make Joe & I happen. For almost two years I desired him. Then I fell in love with him, complete, surrender myself, have his kids, follow him to the end of the earth, in love with him. No other man compared to Joe. He was it. Joe was just what I needed. Or so I thought......

Come October 31, 2009. Almost eight months to the day that I knew I loved Joe.
I had a dream.
I was standing in a room. In my left hand, I was gripping tight to Joe. My right hand was pushing back this faceless man. I heard the Lord whisper to me, "You have to let Joe go. He's not the one I have for you. You have to trust me. Let him go."
I woke up the next morning and I wrote a letter to Joe explaining everything, including the dream. I drove to his house and gave it to him that night. Knowing that it would most likely be the last time that I would see his face. Letting go was not easy, but it was necessary.
It has been almost two months since the dream. And the wound is still there. It is a scab that pours blood when someone asks, "How is it a girl like you isn't married"

The realization that I was holding myself back from any man loving me, was a hard pill to swallow. Knowing that Joe would never return the love, was a slap in the face. But I have moved on. Everyday it gets a little better. But the thoughts of Joe are still there and they won't go away overnight. After all, they didn't develop overnight.


This blog will simply be random days. A place to post my feelings. My modern day diary that will be open to the world. I'm OK with that. Maybe someone will learn from my naive, senseless heart. It's healing, but there are some days when this girl just needs to blog.